Enough or Too Much
by Frisco
Summary: Episode tag to The Hive. John and Rodney discuss his decision in The Hive. Is Rodney solely to blame? Written for The Lost Boys&The Hive challenge on the sheps atlantis community.


"He did what?"

"He took a massive amount of the enzyme to escape and get help for you and the team. He OD'd, John. He almost died. Only sheer McKay stubbornness, and Beckett's tireless efforts, got him through it."

"God, Elizabeth. What am I going to do with him?"

"I suggest you talk to him. You've got to know how insecure he is, especially since Doranda. Anytime the only answer Rodney McKay can come up is brute force, there is a definite problem. He needs some reassurance right now."

Sheppard nodded absently, missing half of what she said, and left Weir's office. A massive amount of the enzyme? Of all the stupid, idiotic…. Oh, he was going to talk to McKay alright, really loudly. Just when John thought he could rely on Rodney's judgment again, he pulls this stunt. He was going to get the ass-chewing of his life.

Atlantis' military commander stormed down the corridor to McKay's lab, his black mood obvious to everyone as they steered clear of him. He was mentally rehearsing the really good part as he turned the corner and saw Carson hurry into the lab. John reached the doors but decided to wait until Beckett left since he really didn't want an audience. The Scot's accent was thicker than usual and carried easily into the hallway.

"I told you this would probably happen, Rodney. It will take at least a week before your system is completely back to normal."

"I know that, Carson. It's just that my heart is trying to pound out of my chest, and I can't breathe. I really need to finish this project, and panic attacks aren't helping. Isn't there anything you can give me?"

"You aren't having panic attacks, Rodney. Your adrenal gland is still out of whack from the enzyme. There is nothing I can give you to fix that."

"'Out of whack'? Is that a technical term?"

As John listened to Carson continuing his ministrations, he could feel his own blood pressure rising. He was going to kill McKay.

"What were you thinking, lad?"

"I told you. I had to get past the really big guards to get the control crystals to save my team."

"But, Rodney, why such a massive dose? You didn't have to take so much."

"I couldn't think of anything else. I tried, I really did. But my brain was already fuzzy from the enzyme I'd been on. I knew they were in trouble. I couldn't risk not being strong enough – ow, dammit, that hurt!"

"Relax, you big baby. You shoot yourself full of enzyme and can't take a bit of needle sting when I draw blood?"

"Believe me, it was my only choice, or I wouldn't have done it. I really tried to think my way out of it. I just couldn't. I couldn't trust myself to find another way out in time, so I asked myself what Sheppard would do. He would have kicked their asses and taken the crystals. So that's what I did. I don't regret it, Carson. I'd do it again."

John felt the statement hit him like a blow to the gut. Rodney didn't trust himself. Elizabeth's words floated through his memory. _'…are you sure that you want the voice he hears in his head, the next time he has to pull the rabbit out of the hat, to be your voice telling him you don't trust him?'_

Sheppard felt sick. Had his words cause Rodney to doubt himself that much? This was as much his fault as the scientist's. John had meant to have that talk with McKay but hadn't found the time. Well, he hadn't made much of an effort either. The pilot leaned back against the wall. What if Rodney had died?

John knew Elizabeth was right about McKay; he was terribly insecure, not about his intelligence but about his interpersonal relationships. Sheppard had known it since they met. The Canadian put up a good front, but people's opinions mattered to him, especially people that Rodney trusted and respected.

Sheppard also knew how desperately Rodney sought to regain his trust. He had seen it in the man's eyes after Doranda. When John had denied trusting the physicist aboard the Aurora, the hurt had flickered across McKay's features before his arrogance mask slipped back in place. Truthfully though, John hadn't meant it. He just hadn't wanted an argument.

The colonel heard Beckett finishing up and stepped a few feet down the hall in order to not be caught eavesdropping. Carson exited, heading in the opposite direction, toward the transporter.

Deciding to put an end to this once and for all, John stepped into the lab and found McKay, red-faced and sweaty, trying to control his breathing.

"Hey, Rodney."

The scientist jerked like he'd been shot.

"Damn, Sheppard! Are you trying to kill me?"

"If I were trying to kill you, Rodney, I would have used a gun."

McKay slumped in a chair and ran his hands over his face. "Why are you here? Don't you have other things you can be doing besides bothering me? I have work to do."

"Why don't we take a walk?"

"A walk? Are you deaf? I just told you I have work to do. Now go away and leave me alone."

"Oh, come on, McKay. Breath of fresh air, a little sunshine, waves crashing. It'll give us a chance to chat"

"'A chance to chat? Did you just say 'a chance to chat?' Are you on drugs? Why would I want…oh. Elizabeth told you, didn't she?"

"Hmmm?"

"Cut the crap, Colonel. She told you I took more enzyme in order to escape."

"Let's take a walk."

"Let's not."

"Now, McKay."

John stared at Rodney until the scientist got to his feet and headed to the door. They continued in silence until they reached a balcony overlooking the north section of the city.

The doors slid shut, and the two men leaned against the railing, the ocean and wind the only sounds. John's eyes remained on the horizon.

"Tell me what happened."

"You mean Weir didn't give you the full scoop?"

"I mean I want you to tell me."

McKay's head dropped as he stared at his shoes. "You were gone too long. I knew something was wrong. The two goons they left me with were, well, huge, and they wouldn't listen to reason. I tried convincing them to give me the control crystals, but they refused. I did the only thing I could think of. I injected myself with enough enzyme to overpower them, took the crystals and gated home."

"Enough of the enzyme or too much?"

"It may have been too much, but I had to make sure it was enough to work. And don't think I'm going to apologize for it, Colonel, because I'm not."

Rodney crossed his arms and turned away.

"And there was no other alternative?"

"Not that I could think of. How many times do I have to say that? My drug-addled brain couldn't come up with anything else. And I didn't want to, ah, that is, I didn't, um…."

"You didn't want to what, Rodney?"

McKay's shoulders slumped as he mumbled, "I didn't want to let you down again."

_Finally_. John turned to study at his friend.

"Look at me, Rodney."

"What?"

"I said, turn around and look at me."

The scientist wheeled around, mouth set in a scowl, trying to hide the kicked dog expression.

"Let's get something straight, McKay. When we got back from Doranda, I told you if you tried you could earn back my trust. But it was your judgment that I questioned, not your abilities. If I didn't think you could do your job, you wouldn't be on my team. And I mean all of the job, not just the super genius part. Teyla, Ronon and I trust you to have our backs."

"My judgment, huh? So I guess overdosing on enzyme really helped with that."

"Not one of your better moves. But I'm going to chalk this one up to you already being on the enzyme and not thinking straight. I need you to get your act together and quit overthinking everything. Stop trying so hard to not make a mistake. Just relax and do your job."

Rodney regarded him for a moment. "And the next time I screw something up?"

"I'm not expecting perfection, McKay, just better judgment. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Great! And for the record, Ronon would have kicked their asses. I would have blown up the lab and taken the crystals while they were distracted."

McKay groaned. "And I would have thought of that before becoming a junkie."

Sheppard grinned at him. "I know that. What's done is done. Time to move on. How about some lunch?"

"Lunch is good. Think they have Salisbury steak today?"

Elizabeth and Carson strolled into the mess hall for a light lunch before the next round of meetings. Beckett was halfway through the serving line before noticing he'd lost Weir. He found her staring across the room. Following her gaze, he saw Sheppard and McKay deep in conversation, remnants of a meal on their trays.

"Elizabeth? Is something wrong?"

"No, Carson," she smiled, "Not anymore."

The End.


End file.
